Being a Guest; Visiting the Sick; the Shomer

In my latest reading of Joseph Telushkin’s A Code of Jewish Ethics, Volume 2: Love Your Neighbor As Yourself, Telushkin talks about such issues as what to do when you are a guest, what to say when you visit a sick person, and death.

For the first issue, being a guest, some stuff on page 58 was especially meaningful to me.  Telushkin says that we should not have an exaggerated sensitivity that leads us to say that we’re not hungry when we really are, something that many of us do because we don’t want to appear as if we came just for the food.  Telushkin cites Kallah Rabbati 9.  Telushkin also says that, if we are reserved, we should take special care to be sociable—-to listen to the people who have invited us and to talk with them, beyond giving them one-word answers.  Telushkin tells a story about a rabbi and a friend who ate with a talkative woman, and the friend focused on studying his holy book while ignoring the woman who invited him.  The rabbi told him that he basically stole the meal from the woman, since she invited him expecting for him to converse with her.

On visiting the sick, we are to say a prayer for the person when we get to the sick person’s room.  We are also to try to talk with the person about things other than his illness (which is not an iron-clad rule, but rather it’s an acknowledgement that many sick people would like to think about things other than their sickness, every once in a while).  One point that Telushkin made was that people at hospitals and nursing homes tend to enter people’s rooms without permission, something they would not dream of doing were it somebody’s house.  This stood out to me because I used to work at a nursing home, and, as I look back, I probably should have knocked at the residents’ door more and asked them if they wanted company, rather than just plowing into the room and talking with them (as much as they appreciated my visits).

Regarding death, Telushkin talks about a shomer, someone who takes care of a dying person.  According to Telushkin, the shomer is exempt from positive commandments, such as the commands about prayer and tefillin.  Telushkin cites Babylonian Talmud Berachot 18a.

5/1/2012 Links

I have three links for today, focusing primarily on social skills and coping:

1.  Aspergers Girl has an excellent post on 20 things NOT to say to people with Asperger’s, and 15 beneficial approaches.  A lot of what she says can probably apply to how we approach people with other problems as well.  People who say some of the 20 things NOT to say are most likely trying to be helpful—-to offer the person with Asperger’s hope, to motivate the person with Asperger’s, or to demonstrate that they understand what the person with Asperger’s is going through.  But what they say can easily be construed as offensive.  If you want to be supportive, it’s better, as Aspergers Girl notes, to be willing to listen and to convey that you are there for the person with Asperger’s and will provide help that the person wants.

2.  Literary agent (for Rachel Held Evans and others) Rachelle Gardner talks about how you can be supportive to the writers in your family.  What I liked about her post was that it presented writing as (in a number of cases) a thankless job, which makes me feel better, since there are times when I wish that my writing were more appreciated!

3.  Yesterday, I linked to an interview with Temple Grandin.  Temple made two points that I found helpful.  First, she said that we should be willing to try new things, for how do we know if we’ll like them or not if we don’t try?  Second, Temple said that people get fired for getting mad on the job, but not for crying, and so there are times when she goes to a solitary place and just cries.

Asperger’s Posts: Where to Go from Here

Today is the last day of National Autism Month for 2012!  On my WordPress blog, I’ve gained some new followers on account of my posts on The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron.  In these posts, I highlighted aspects of the discussions in the book about Asperger’s, autism, and social skills, and I offered my own reactions, which were based in part on my experiences.

I’ve wondered what I should do when people follow me on account of my posts on particular topics, such as Asperger’s or works of fiction.  Should I continue to write posts about these topics to keep those followers, when, overall, I tend to focus on other topics, such as politics and religion?  I feel that, at least for myself, I should read more books on social skills, but I have other projects lined up for this year and the next, so I may not have the time to do so.  This year, I’m going through books on or by Presidential candidates for the 2012 election.  Next year, I may not even have special posts for Black History Month, Women’s History Month, and National Autism Month (as I usually do), and the reason is that January 9 will be the centennial of Nixon’s birthday, and I’m planning to blog through books about and by Nixon for the entirety of 2013 (and a little bit beyond that, depending on if I finish the books I plan to read in 2013).  Well, Nixon struggled socially, so maybe I can write posts on that to keep those who follow me for my posts on Asperger’s!

One thing that I could do is listen to presentations on Asperger’s on YouTube while I’m reading or writing, and post some of them here, along with some commentary.  I listened to an interview with Temple Grandin today (see here).  I happen to enjoy listening to Temple talk, since she is articulate and her presentation is often orderly.  Plus, she has interesting things to say.  Perhaps I could make a regular practice of blogging about such interviews, forums, and presentations, as well as keep my eyes open for any articles on Asperger’s (or even social skills) that I may find helpful.  I doubt that I’ll write on Asperger’s or social skills every single day, but once a week may be feasible.  I do try to write a third post on some days about a topic that interests me, in addition to my posts about my readings.

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I finished The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships.  In this post, I’ll highlight something that Temple Grandin says on page 378, about why she takes medication:

“Not everybody needs medication but I am one of those who do.  For me, socialization is impossible if I constantly feel like I’m being attacked by a lion.”

I am not that afraid, but I have felt social anxiety, largely because I don’t know what to say to people, or I am self-conscious about making a mistake, or I fear being looked at like I’m some sort of freak (which happens).  When others ask me questions and are interested in my response, then that anxiety may go down a bit.  But how can I make my anxiety go down?  One thing a counselor told me was that, as I listen to others attentively, I become more relaxed.  Then, I can share some things about myself.  For me, the challenge is to find open-ended questions that can enable me to invite others to share about themselves.

Tomorrow is the last day of National Autism Month.  I’ll post something.  Stay tuned!

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 27

In my latest reading of The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, the topic was managing anger.  I enjoyed what author Robert S. Sanders, Jr. had to say about how he handled his anger.  I liked what he said about how he devises fantasy class syllabi to deal with his anger.  For example, he has fantasy classes on arrogance, egotism, etc.

I especially appreciated what Sanders said on page 357: “I don’t feel that AS individuals always have to conform to the norms of social rules of conduct, but at the same time, it’s not useful to any of us to carry our anger too far.”

I’d like to fit in, but I also don’t want to be a clone.  I think that sometimes a contrarian or a degree of eccentricity makes life interesting!  But it shouldn’t be taken too far, I guess, to the point that it’s utterly disruptive.

Greeting; Common Sense and Divine Revelation

I have two items for my write-up today on Joseph Telushkin’s A Code of Jewish Ethics, volume 1: You Shall Be Holy.

1.  On page 118, Telushkin talks about greeting people.  He quotes Babylonian Talmud 17a, which says that Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai greeted people first in the marketplace, even if they were Gentiles.  Telushkin then tells a story about how Rabbi Chaim Ozer Grodzensky found that he could not cheerfully greet everyone he met in Vilna, since that was a large city.  Imagine trying to greet everyone you encounter in New York City.  You really can’t, since you are coming across hordes of people at a time!  After telling this story, Telushkin lays out the principle that “it is appropriate to greet those whose eye we catch, and all those whom we know, even if only slightly.”

The above discussion is a good example of why I am enjoying this book so far: it teaches social skills.  I myself struggle with greeting people.  I fear rejection or not being remembered, or I wonder if I know the person well enough to greet him.  But I’m getting better at greeting people, I hope.  Elsewhere in this book, Telushkin reinforces a point that I have heard in another setting: that, even if another person does not remember you, you can take the opportunity to reintroduce yourself and remind him of where he met you.

Telushkin’s discussion about greetings reminded me of what the New Testament says about this issue.  There’s Matthew 5:47, which says that greeting our brethren does not bring us reward, for everyone does that.  Jesus makes this point within the context of talking about the importance of loving our enemies.  And then there’s Luke 10:4, in which Jesus tells his disciples not to greet anyone while they’re on their way to evangelize a city.  II Kings 4:29 has something similar: Elisha is sending Gehazi to raise a child from the dead, and Gehazi is to greet no one along the way.

On an important mission, a person is to be single-minded, not distracted by the need to greet people.  Of course, Jesus was not saying that his followers should never greet people—-after all, he said that they should greet their enemies—-but, on an important mission, their mission should be what is foremost on their mind.  I wonder why, though.  There are biblical scholars who would say that the disciples believed their mission to be urgent because Jesus thought that the end was near, and so they had to get busy and start getting converts because time was short, and they could not get bogged down in greetings.  If Jesus did not believe that the end was near, what would be the reason for his disciples not to greet people along the way?  Where’s the emergency?  At the same time, if the disciples were continually in emergency mode because they felt that the end was near, why did they allow themselves at least some opportunities to greet people—-such as their enemies (according to Matthew 5:47)?

2.  Telushkin talks about how common sense plays a role within Judaism in defining what God wants for Jews to do.  Telushkin gives a variety of examples, but one that I’ll mention is in Babylonian Talmud Gittin 56a, in which Jerusalem is conquered because a rabbi was inflexible in his application of halakah.  Essentially, Bar Kamtza, who was upset with Jewish leaders, made a blemish on a sacrifice that was to be offered on the Roman emperor’s behalf, and the Torah prohibits the sacrifice of blemished animals.  There were some dilemmas.  Should the rabbis refrain from offering the sacrifice on the emperor’s behalf and thus incur the wrath of Rome?  Should they kill Bar Kamtza to prevent him from telling the emperor that the Jews decided not to offer a sacrifice on the emperor’s behalf?  On these issues, Rabbi Zechariah ben Avkulas was a stickler for the letter of the law: he said that the Jews should not sacrifice the blemished animal because that is prohibited by the Torah, and that they should not kill Bar Kamtza because causing a blemish in a sacrificial animal does not merit death.  Because people chose to go with his inflexibility, which defied common sense, the Romans got mad at the Jews’ refusal to offer the sacrifice on the emperor’s behalf and thus destroyed Jerusalem.

Does reason supercede divine revelation?  There are times when reason dictates an exception to the law within Judaism.  Telushkin mentions, for example, the Maccabees’ rule that Jews could fight to defend themselves on the Sabbath, even though they’re technically not supposed to do any work on that day.  At the same time, there is the rabbinic writing known as the Sifra, which affirms that the Jews should go with divine revelation, even though it may say things that they would not logically conclude.  The Sifra repeatedly says that one might reach a certain conclusion logically, but the Torah says something else, and so one should follow the Torah.  This makes a degree of sense, for, if logic were sufficient, why did God give the Torah?  And yet, Jewish thinkers have pointed out that God did not give us the Torah to hurt us, and so they crafted exceptions to laws when strictly following those laws could result in (say) death.  Still, they did acknowledge times when Jews should take their stand and keep the law, even when doing so brought the death penalty from Gentile persecutors.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 26

In my latest reading of The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, Sean Barron tells a story about when he walked into the recording studio where his parents worked and made a social mistake.  Sean was in a bad mood because he did poorly on a test earlier that day, and so he breezed past one of his parents’ co-workers, Marcia (with whom he was acquainted), without saying hello.  Sean’s mom corrected him on that, and Sean sank deeper into his morose mood.  When he went out to dinner with his parents that night, he wanted them to ask him what was wrong and to try to comfort him.  But whenever they did ask him what was wrong, he was unresponsive.  From this experience, Sean learned the “Three strikes and you’re out” principle:

“Most people will give you the benefit of the doubt a few times, and after that, if you don’t take responsibility for either changing your behavior or repairing the situation, they lose interest in further social interaction with you.” (Page 347)

I could identify with Sean’s story.  For one, it teaches me that it’s important to be polite even when I’m in a bad mood.  Granted, it may be difficult for some to be cheerful and to make small-talk when they feel badly, but saying “hello” doesn’t have to take much effort. At the same time, Sean then had to go out with his parents when he was in a bad mood, and that would be difficult.  Perhaps honest communication would have defused the situation (as hard as that may be), or he could have pretended to be happy just to get through the dinner.

Second, I can understand why Sean felt bad after he was corrected.  Perhaps he wanted for his mom to treat him as an adult rather than a little kid, or he was embarrassed.  Moreover, Sean said earlier in the book that he confused making mistakes with being a mistake, and he probably felt as a result of his mom’s correction that he was a mistake.

Third, I learn not to put heavy expectations on the world around me.  I’ve often expected the world to be unconditionally loving and accepting of me, when it is not.  I shouldn’t assume that the entire world is against me, since, as Temple says, that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  But I shouldn’t expect for everyone in the world to be unconditionally accepting, either.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 25: Humor

In my latest reading of The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, Sean Barron talks about how humor is a good social skill and can attract people to you.

I agree that this is often the case.  But I think that humor can be mis-used by people with Asperger’s as they attempt to fit in.  For example, Temple Grandin has talked about people with Asperger’s being fired from jobs for making fun of a person’s weight.  My hunch is that those people with Asperger’s were trying to fit in by being funny, with disastrous results.

I know that Sean doesn’t have this sort of thing in mind when he is referring to humor.  He explicitly says that we should not use humor to deliberately hurt someone else.  But, in my opinion, society pressures people to talk and to be funny in order to be accepted, and that can lead to inappropriate remarks.  Moreover, I find that I’m funniest when I’m not pressured with some rule saying “Thou shalt be funny or you won’t fit in, and people won’t like you, and you won’t make friends, have a significant other, or get or keep a job” (and I want to make clear that Sean and Temple don’t use those words).  Traversing through society’s social expectations is like going through a mine-field.

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For my write-up today on The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, I’ll use as my starting-point something that Sean Barron says on page 328:

“For years, I reacted to uncomfortable situations with silence.  During the same time, I clung to the mistaken notion that silence was just that—-a void, empty of meaning.  Regardless of how hard I tried to remove myself from that uncomfortable situation by retreating into myself, I always gave off something negative that those in my presence felt and picked up on every time.  In itself, this is another unwritten rule of social interaction: being silent is a form of communication all its own.  There are appropriate and inappropriate times and places for being silent.  Inappropriate silence speaks volumes and the old adage, ‘silence is golden’ doesn’t always apply.”

This is where I struggle.  I’m told that I shouldn’t be so quiet because people interpret me as cold or ignore me.  But then I talk a lot and, because I don’t know what to say, I end up saying things that are awkward or inappropriate.  Nowadays, I don’t speak unless I feel a need to do so.  But I’m around my family, and, overall, they accept me anyway.  Whether my current approach would work with strangers, I do not know.

Temple and Sean offer ideas on how to initiate small talk: compliment someone, for instance.  According to Temple, one shouldn’t be hurt if another person doesn’t want to continue a conversation.  That makes sense to me.  I don’t have to expect everyone to find me dazzling, but there might be some people who would be interested in talking with me.

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In my latest reading of The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, the topic was good grooming.  I think I dress appropriately in public, overall.  My problem in the past, though, was that I had to walk uphill to school every day, with the result that I was often sweaty when I arrived.  What I should have done (and did do, often) was wash up in the restroom before I presented myself to the general public.  But what do you do when your clothes are sweaty?  Take a change of shirt?  I suppose.  But my backpack was heavy enough as it was!