“What Do You Do with the Mad that You Feel?”

I’m still persevering in my reading of Stephen King’s Lisey’s Story.  There were a couple of times in my reading last night when I thought that the book was putting a mystery on the table, and I hoped that would make me want to read on to see how the mystery would be solved.  But, unfortunately, that’s not what happened.  When a mysterious guy referring to himself as “Zack McCool” calls Lisey, and we’re wondering who he is, he turns out to be a bully of sorts, hired by a professor who wants the manuscripts of Lisey’s late husband, the author Scott Landon.  (UPDATE: see here.)  When Lisey finds what appears to be a thousand page work by her husband, she is curious about why her husband wrote that and did not tell her about it.  It turns out that it’s only one page, and the other pages are blank.  I suppose that there could be a profound mystery there, but the opposite could easily be true: Many authors start projects that they do not finish.

So I’m still waiting for something in this book that will hook me, for I like to finish what I start.  I’ll still continue to blog about things that stand out to me in the book, though.  And what stood out to me in last night’s reading was something that Lisey’s sister Amanda did: she cut herself because she was upset that a long-time boyfriend was with somebody else.  In her mind, her cutting herself was a way for her to attack her boyfriend.  At times, Amanda was quiet about why she was so upset.  But, when Amanda got to expressing her feelings to Lisey, she unleashed “a mixture of adult obscenity and childish poopie-talk that filled Lisey with amazement, amusement, and admiration.”  (And why Lisey admired that, I have no idea, but I don’t understand many of Lisey’s feelings in this book, to tell you the truth.)  Lisey responds to Amanda, “It’s just…saying you were mad at him will be enough.”

I identified with this part of the book because I’m not always sure how to deal with anger and resentment.  I mean, how many times can I call somebody a “douche-bag” in my mind?  It doesn’t change anything.  The douche-bags are still going about their business, and most likely they wouldn’t even care what I thought about them if they knew about my feelings.  I could just say that I’m “mad” at them, but that doesn’t seem adequate—-and so I have felt like using the F-word, or other words that I’ve been taught were forbidden.  For some reason, I view those as channels for my anger.  Maybe I hope that they will provide me with release.  But they don’t really.  There are many times when I only feel angrier after using those words.

What exactly should one do with anger—-at the world not being as one thinks it should be, when you feel like attacking something, but you know that you cannot do so?  As Mr. Rogers used to sing, “What do you do with the mad that you feel?”  To be honest, there are days when I’m glad to be in the state that Mr. Heck was in last week’s episode of The Middle: not to care what others think about me because I feel so dead inside.  A flat mood is what I want!  I don’t like happy moods because they can be easily disrupted.  I don’t like upset moods because they stress me out.  Give me a flat mood!

Inauguration Day 2009

I didn’t get to watch President Obama’s inaugural address while it was going on, but I got to see Bush leaving in his helicopter while I was eating a sub at Jersey Mike’s. One of the workers waved to the television set and said “bye, bye,” and another remarked, “Good riddance.” But the thought that went through my mind was, “You’ll always be my President.”

I was a little sad to see Bush go. At the same time, I didn’t feel as sad as I did when Reagan left office. I think the reason is that Reagan could make a connection with me, even when I was a child and relatively apolitical. Although I always liked Bush’s humor, charm, humility, and friendliness to all he met, he didn’t really make that deep of a connection with me as a viewer, probably because he didn’t speak to the American people all that often, and, when he did, he came across as rather rehearsed.

I stopped by the library to pick up some books, then I returned home and found that I had a package waiting for me in the rental office. I went there and said “Hi” to the workers. “Obama’s now President,” one of them cheerfully remarked. “Yippee,” I sarcastically retorted. Interestingly, the other worker there, an African-American with dreadlocks, had pretty much the same reaction that I did. That should teach me not to stereotype!

I entered my apartment and turned on the TV to see if the inauguration was replaying on any channel. It was–on C-Span 3, which was showing a Canadian station’s coverage.

I can’t say I was moved that much. Rick Warren’s prayer was all right, though it was a little long-winded. He tried to bring Jesus into it without being offensive. He affirmed that Jesus changed his life, right before he said the name of Jesus in multiple languages.

The swearing in ceremonies were all right. I liked it when Biden said “Thank you, Mr. Justice” after John Paul Stevens had sworn him in, since that was a gesture of friendliness. The highlight, of course, was John Roberts’ swearing in of Barack Obama. It was a little awkward, and I was reminded of that Saturday Night Live skit in which Dan Quayle was portrayed as stumbling through the oath of office. But the news anchor said it was Roberts’ fault, as have numerous news outlets. Naaah, the media’s not in the tank for Obama!

As Obama gave his address, I noticed the reactions of various people in the audience. Hillary was grinning, Bill looked grim, Bush II appeared sad, and Bush I had on a really funny hat–like that Russian one George wore on Seinfeld.

As far as the speech itself went, it was all right. It was somewhat contradictory, though. Obama trashed the American desire for luxury, while saying he wanted more jobs. Um, the first kind of feeds into the second, Mr. Obama, unless you expect all of the jobs to be government-created! If I could sum up his speech, its motto would be, “Ask what your country can do for you, and ask what you can do for your country.” He said that the government should do more to guarantee people a job and a good standard of living, while he also stated that we should serve others and work together to make our country a better place. He called for sacrifice in a way that echoed Jimmy Carter’s “malaise” speech, even as he appealed to America’s hopes and dreams, in John F. Kennedy and Ronald Reagan mode. And he made a call for national unity, right after he implicitly trashed the preceding Administration.

He vowed to help other countries, neglecting to mention that President Bush was big on foreign aid himself. He said we can fight terrorism while remaining consistent with American ideals, even though I read in Newsweek today that he has yet to explain how he’ll do that. I mean, even liberal Newsweek asked what he’ll do with the bad apples in Guantanamo after he closes the facility, since not everyone there is innocent!

After President Obama’s solemn speech, someone read a poem, which wasn’t quite as memorable as Maya Angelou’s poem about the rock at Bill Clinton’s 1992 inauguration. Then, a pastor gave a long benediction, in which he tried to be witty about the races: “Yellow,” “white,” etc. I wonder if someone would get away with that kind of stereotyping at a Republican inauguration!

There was something special about the convention: I got to see Yo-Yo Ma play the fiddle! I hadn’t seen him since his appearance on Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood several years before (which I saw as a rerun).

Plus, I got to see Dick Cheney in a wheelchair. I wondered if he was like FDR–making us think he could walk, when actually he was in a wheelchair the whole time. In actual fact, he hurt his back while packing to leave. I also want to mention: I only thought about Mr. Potter after the inauguration was over.

Did I get anything edifying from the festivities? I suppose I thought about the importance of loving others and working together to make this country a better place. One thing Ronald Reagan always said was that we should rely less on government and more on private initiative. Obama didn’t say we should rely less on government, but he did exhort us to do our part to improve this great country. I like the way that he modelled that yesterday on Martin Luther King Day, when he said we should honor King by doing community service.

I was also reminded of the religious heritage of this country. Obama reverently bowed his head in prayer to God, and the African-Americans in his audience fervently prayed along during the invocation and benediction. I’m ashamed to say this, but I often see conservatism as “God’s side,” and liberalism as “the other side.” And the media feeds this notion when they treat evangelicalism as a movement within the GOP. But there are godly people who are rooting for Barack Obama, and Obama seems to recognize his own reliance on almighty God.

One of the Obama girls told her father that he made a pretty good speech, and the news anchor said that this is something that will be special about the Obama Administration: it has children, who will add humor and life to a dreary national condition. I once read an interview with a McCain supporter, who remarked that he’s drawn to Obama because he reminds him of John F. Kennedy, who had children in the White House. I remember that many people were similarly enamored with the Bush twins in 2000: one was smart and went to Yale, while the other was a party animal and went to the University of Texas. We like novelty as we delve into public figures’ personal lives. But it’s good to have children in the White House to brighten our drab condition, as long as Obama doesn’t consult his daughters for advice on nuclear weaponry (Carter).

Finally, I liked what the news anchors said about the affection between the Bushes and the Obamas. President Bush has gone out of his way to make a smooth transition to the Obama Presidency, and Laura Bush gave Michelle Obama a lot of helpful advice. On a personal level, the Bushes are a class act, and there’s a part of me that will miss them.

Now, onto a new day!

Mr. Rogers on Dr. Quinn

Eventually, everything will be on YouTube! I’ve been wanting to see this for a long time. This is Mr. Rogers on Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman. He’s in the sixth clip, but the first clip has the credit that says “Special Guest Appearance by Fred Rogers.” The only thing that stinks is that the video and audio are out-of-sync. But Mr. Rogers still says his characteristic line, “I’m proud of you.” He doesn’t sing it, though. Sorry!

Deal With the Devil (1)
Deal With the Devil (6)

I’m Proud of You

I recently read Tim Madigan’s I’m Proud of You: My Friendship with Fred Rogers. Tim Madigan is an award-winning journalist who has written critically acclaimed books, and he made friends with Mr. Rogers when he was writing a story about him and Captain Kangaroo. He himself did not watch Mr. Rogers that much, since he was more of a Captain Kangaroo fan. Well, Captain Kangaroo only spoke to him for a few minutes, while Mr. Rogers opened up to him for an hour and (for some reason) started a lasting friendship. Mr. Rogers offered Tim encouragement in trying times, and he helped him to heal by inviting him into his life.

As I read the book, the friendship between Tim and Fred reminded me of my own relationship with my grandmother, for Mr. Rogers continually sent Tim encouraging e-mails. When Tim wrote an article, Fred was always quick to praise him and to emphasize the value of what he was doing. Fred continually told Tim that he was proud of him, even when Tim confronted situations that did not make him proud of himself. When Tim’s wife was about to leave him, Fred offered his unconditional love and support. And that’s the way my grandma is with me: she sincerely praises my work and tells me what it means to her, even as she loves me for just being me.

Why did I read this book? For six months, I’ve been watching Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. I never saw it when I was a kid, since my family didn’t get PBS. One night in September 2007, I couldn’t sleep, so I flipped through the channels to see what was on. I found Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood and decided to watch it. I appreciated the wisdom that it offered, and I read some more about Mr. Rogers on the Internet. Over time, my interest in the show has waned, but I still watch it in the hope that a celebrity might be on it, as were Bill Bixby, Levar Burton, and David Copperfield. Plus, I’ve grown somewhat attached to the characters in the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, such as King Friday, Lady Elaine, Lady Aberlin (who is cute), and Daniel the Tiger.

Although there have been times when Mr. Rogers has offered wisdom, he usually does not go all that deep, probably because his main audience is children. I read that Mr. Rogers had a theology degree, and I wondered what his thoughts were–about God, about life, about humanity, about a lot of things. And I was curious about Mr. Rogers the man. Was he really that nice in his day-to-day life, or was his television character an unrealistic facade?

Well, at his core, he was more or less like his television personality, only he wore glasses (so we were deceived!). He wore contacts on the show, but he hated them. Overall, he had more depth in real life than he conveyed on television. Tim Madigan said that he expected Mr. Rogers to be rather naive about life on the basis of his TV image, but he found that he was actually quite aware of the darker aspects of human existence: addictions, disruptive relationships, death, and the list goes on. But Fred believed that forgiveness and unconditional love were the ways to overcome evil.

Deep down, I have wondered if he really felt that way. When I watched his show about firemen, I asked myself if he truly would have accepted them if he knew what they were like off-camera. I’ve heard of firemen who are addicts. And I’m not singling out firemen. I just feel that kids grow up with an image that the adults they admire are perfect, heroic, and accepting, but things aren’t that rosy in the adult world. And that applies to all sorts of professions.

On You-Tube, I once saw Gary Collins interview Mr. Rogers on Hour Magazine, and Fred was praising all the work that Gary Collins was doing. I wondered if Mr. Rogers would accept him if he knew about his problems with alcohol, particularly his DUIs.

After reading Tim’s book, my hunch is “yes” on both counts. Mr. Rogers was aware of people’s struggles, yet he focused on the good that he saw in them. He stressed their value, not their flaws. Mr. Rogers even had compassion for a paroled child molester he read about who was trying to get a new start in life, for he realized that the released convict was struggling with his inner compulsions. If Mr. Rogers could sympathize with someone who did that, then he truly had unconditional love. For Mr. Rogers, good was the way to overcome evil.

And, although the show and Tim’s book present Mr. Rogers as virtually perfect, my hunch is that he wrestled with flaws of his own. In watching his show, how many times did I hear the song, “What do you do with the mad that you feel?” Dozens. I doubt that a person would emphasize the need to control anger that much if he himself did not struggle with it. Mr. Rogers most likely dealt with the same frustrations that everyone faces, but he chose to pursue the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, and generosity.

And Mr. Rogers helped Tim heal. Tim had problems because his father had never told him he was proud of him, but Fred helped Tim to sympathize with his father and consider the good things that he had done. Tim’s brother was dying, and Fred encouraged the brother that he was an inspiration because of his attitude of faith. And Fred assured Tim that it was all right to cry, which allowed Tim to let out all his bottled-up emotions of pain. And Fred did not help Tim overcome his inner demons–which Tim calls his “Furies”–by preaching to him, but rather through his unconditional love and acceptance. Tim also did not detect any pride in Mr. Rogers. Although he (and others) considered Fred to be a spiritual giant, they knew that Fred sincerely didn’t view himself in that way.

As far as Mr. Rogers’ theology was concerned, he saw God as a source of unconditional love and healing. He viewed people as good, so I don’t know what his belief on original sin was. But he himself attended a Presbyterian church, meaning that he drew his doctrine from Christianity on some level. He was good friends with Henri Nouwen, a renowned priest and author who left behind his prominence in the Ivy League to minister to all sorts of people, and Fred was sad when Nouwen died.

Nouwen wrote a book called The Wounded Healer, which I read in college. In it, Nouwen argues that our wounded state can actually help us as we minister to others. I could detect from Tim’s book that Fred himself was a wounded healer. When Fred was a child, bullies continually taunted him because he was shy and overweight, calling him “Fat Freddy.” He was a loner, and in his solitude he created stories with his puppets. In high school, a popular student for some reason reached out to him, and Fred genuinely appreciated that gesture of friendship. He was devastated when his friend died years later.

Fred used his experiences–both bad and good–as a motivation to love rather than to hate. He encouraged kids that they were special, and he reached out to a reporter who wasn’t even one of his fans. Celebrities have busy schedules and aren’t always generous with their time, but Mr. Rogers chose Tim Madigan as a friend.

Over time, as Tim overcame his inner Furies, he gradually lost touch with Mr. Rogers. He took him for granted and thought that they would be friends forever, since Mr. Rogers was healthy and took care of his body. He wasn’t prepared for Mr. Rogers’ death to cancer in 2002. That part of the book is sad, but the book didn’t end on a sad note. Tim says that he can still feel Mr. Rogers’ presence, and he attributes that to the existence of an afterlife. For Tim, Mr. Rogers is in heaven with Tim’s brother, Steve.

The book is a stirring account of the power of love and friendship, and it presents the personal side of one of America’s favorite television icons. If Fred Rogers was an example of how God wants us to be, then I can take comfort that God is like that as well.

Grandma and Mr. Rogers

I was watching Mr. Rogers recently, and he seemed to be speaking directly to my situation. Has that ever happened to you in church—you feel like the sermon is directed right at you, and yet you realize that the pastor cannot know about your specific problem? You may conclude that God is speaking through the message to help you face your challenges.

Well, I’m not going to be that dogmatic, but Mr. Rogers was giving good advice. He was drawing a house with some scenery, and he said, “Let’s color the sky blue.” Then he said (and this is my paraphrase), “Notice that the sky did not become blue by my wishing or daydreaming or talking. I had to make it blue.”

I’ve been working on this paper, and I really do not enjoy writing it. I don’t know what the problem is. The topic is not terribly boring, as far as topics go. I’m just not in the mood to sit down and write a paper. In writing, I have to make sure that everything is phrased smoothly, that all my facts are correct, that I document every detail, and that I cover as many bases as possible. Plus, I have to plow through 103 pages of my notes. I’m just not motivated at the moment. But, as Mr. Rogers would say, we do not create something through wishing and dreaming; we have to work.

Mr. Rogers also said that creating something makes you feel good, whether or not others like your creation. On some level, this is true. I always have a feeling of pride and accomplishment whenever I finish a paper. But, I admit, I am twice as happy when others like my work or give me a good grade.

Something else that Mr. Rogers emphasized was the value of the process. He said that he is not good at drawing, but what is important is that he tries, enjoys himself, and creates something. I can see his point. I want an A on this paper, but I will have a sense of accomplishment after completing it, even if it is not the best paper in history.

Later that day, I was talking to my grandma on the phone. She does not watch Mr. Rogers, but she is reading a book. She was sharing with me some insights from her reading. She said, “This is your paper, and you are a unique person. Just do things your own way and write what you think is important. You don’t have to please everyone else.” She was giving me similar advice to what Mr. Rogers was saying. Could this be a sign?

I’m not dismissing the importance of turning in quality work. But I am going to take my time and enjoy the process. That is better than burdening myself with the pressure to be perfect.

Was Mr. Rogers Evil?

I had a hard time sleeping early one morning, so I turned on the TV to flip through the channels. I saw that Mr. Rogers was about to come on. I haven’t watched Mr. Rogers that often. For some reason, my family did not have public television when I was growing up, so I missed out on Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. I decided to see what I had missed.

I really enjoyed the show! Mr. Rogers had a soothing, friendly personality. I probably won’t get up early on a regular basis just to watch him (I love to sleep), but I think that his program is good therapy. He’s the type of person who can provide me with the solace I need before I go out into the jungle. Well, Mr. Rogers plus extra prayer.

As I read about him on the Internet, I came across a Fox News story entitled, “You’re Not Special and Mr. Rogers Was an Evil Man.” I never thought of putting “Mr. Rogers” and “evil” in the same sentence, so I checked the story out. The anchors argued that Mr. Rogers gave an entire generation of kids a sense of entitlement. By telling them they were special just the way they are, Mr. Rogers implied that they did not have to work to become special. As a result, there are people who expect good things (e.g., grades, money, recognition, etc.) without working for them. The ultimate result is disappointment, since the world doesn’t give people goodies that they don’t deserve.

The Fox News story is probably accurate in its characterization of many young people—or so teachers have told me. But was Mr. Rogers evil? The program that I watched emphasized self-discipline. Mr. Rogers said that he once tried to learn the clarinet, but he did not practice. He thought that he could become a master clarinet player through osmosis, but he found that the world doesn’t work that way. That convicted me somewhat. I hope to get a flat stomach, but I don’t want to do the daily sit-ups that can bring me to my goal. I want to ace my comps, but I will not do so if I do not study. Like many people, I seek short-cuts that do not exist. Mr. Rogers definitely taught kids (and me) that if they want something, they have to work for it.

But our value does not depend on our accomplishments. That’s what Mr. Rogers meant when he told kids they are special just the way they are. What bothers me about the Fox News story is that it links people’s value with how hard they work and what they achieve. But our value is intrinsic. God made each of us in his image. None of us is unnecessary or superfluous in this world. We all have a purpose and a unique contribution that we can make.

The problem is that the world does not see things that way. We judge people according to the impression that they make on us. To make our mark on the world, we have to impress people. In that, the Fox News story is right. But, fortunately, God is not the world. God loves us even though we do not impress him. His love is unconditional.