Newt Gingrich’s Saving Lives & Saving Money 9

In my latest reading of Saving Lives & Saving Money: Transforming Health and Healthcare, Newt Gingrich talks about the living arrangements of people with disabilities.  On page 198, he states:

“…most families want to do as much as humanly and financially possible to enable their family members with a disability to live in their own home and participate in the community.  And, from the perspective of public policy, it will be extremely difficult, if not impossible, for our country to continue providing costly institutional care for people with disabilities as the number of people needing these services grows.”

On pages 198-199, Newt quotes Carol Hughes-Novak, who was the chairperson of the Disabilities Task Force in Newt’s district and whose son has cerebral palsy.  Carol believes in promoting “implementation of President Bush’s Olmstead Executive Order that requires state Medicaid programs to provide long-term-care services in the community whenever appropriate for the individual.”  (See here for information about the Olmstead Executive Order.)  Carol supports reversing the bias in Medicaid towards institutional care, as disabled people under Medicaid are entitled to placement in an institution, while those who prefer “Medicaid Home and Community based long-term care services that are more humane and almost always less costly” must wait for years.

This discussion stood out to me because of posts that I read on the blog, Whose Planet Is It Anyway, during the 2008 Presidential election.  According to those posts, John McCain supported institutional care for the disabled rather than integrating the disabled into their communities because he thought that the latter was too expensive, when (as the blog, Newt, and Carol point out) it is actually institutional care that is more expensive.  Those posts made me question that Republicans were truly on the side of fiscal responsibility.  It turns out, though, that people in both parties think that we should move away from institutional care and towards helping the disabled to integrate into their communities.  See here and here.

Asperger’s Posts: Where to Go from Here

Today is the last day of National Autism Month for 2012!  On my WordPress blog, I’ve gained some new followers on account of my posts on The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron.  In these posts, I highlighted aspects of the discussions in the book about Asperger’s, autism, and social skills, and I offered my own reactions, which were based in part on my experiences.

I’ve wondered what I should do when people follow me on account of my posts on particular topics, such as Asperger’s or works of fiction.  Should I continue to write posts about these topics to keep those followers, when, overall, I tend to focus on other topics, such as politics and religion?  I feel that, at least for myself, I should read more books on social skills, but I have other projects lined up for this year and the next, so I may not have the time to do so.  This year, I’m going through books on or by Presidential candidates for the 2012 election.  Next year, I may not even have special posts for Black History Month, Women’s History Month, and National Autism Month (as I usually do), and the reason is that January 9 will be the centennial of Nixon’s birthday, and I’m planning to blog through books about and by Nixon for the entirety of 2013 (and a little bit beyond that, depending on if I finish the books I plan to read in 2013).  Well, Nixon struggled socially, so maybe I can write posts on that to keep those who follow me for my posts on Asperger’s!

One thing that I could do is listen to presentations on Asperger’s on YouTube while I’m reading or writing, and post some of them here, along with some commentary.  I listened to an interview with Temple Grandin today (see here).  I happen to enjoy listening to Temple talk, since she is articulate and her presentation is often orderly.  Plus, she has interesting things to say.  Perhaps I could make a regular practice of blogging about such interviews, forums, and presentations, as well as keep my eyes open for any articles on Asperger’s (or even social skills) that I may find helpful.  I doubt that I’ll write on Asperger’s or social skills every single day, but once a week may be feasible.  I do try to write a third post on some days about a topic that interests me, in addition to my posts about my readings.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 29

I finished The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships.  In this post, I’ll highlight something that Temple Grandin says on page 378, about why she takes medication:

“Not everybody needs medication but I am one of those who do.  For me, socialization is impossible if I constantly feel like I’m being attacked by a lion.”

I am not that afraid, but I have felt social anxiety, largely because I don’t know what to say to people, or I am self-conscious about making a mistake, or I fear being looked at like I’m some sort of freak (which happens).  When others ask me questions and are interested in my response, then that anxiety may go down a bit.  But how can I make my anxiety go down?  One thing a counselor told me was that, as I listen to others attentively, I become more relaxed.  Then, I can share some things about myself.  For me, the challenge is to find open-ended questions that can enable me to invite others to share about themselves.

Tomorrow is the last day of National Autism Month.  I’ll post something.  Stay tuned!

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 28

For my write-up today on The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, I’ll highlight something on page 363.  It’s talking about Jennifer McIlwee Myers, who wrote a section of the book:

“Jennifer has been married to Gary Myers for eleven years.  They met at a science fiction/fantasy book discussion group, where he wowed her with his encyclopedic knowledge of horror films and early 20th C. fantasy literature.”

I liked that.  As a matter of fact, I also liked how my latest reading of the book was about how Aspies can be interested in certain topics and draw from their interests as they attempt to cope with life.  For example, Jennifer holds on to a Harry Potter or Disneyland item in her pocket if she needs to calm down.  I’m not interested in Harry Potter so much (at least not yet), but I like, say, Star Trek: Voyager.  And wouldn’t it be nice if I could wow a lady with my eccentric interests (i.e., the life of Richard Nixon, which I will read and blog about in 2013). 

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 27

In my latest reading of The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, the topic was managing anger.  I enjoyed what author Robert S. Sanders, Jr. had to say about how he handled his anger.  I liked what he said about how he devises fantasy class syllabi to deal with his anger.  For example, he has fantasy classes on arrogance, egotism, etc.

I especially appreciated what Sanders said on page 357: “I don’t feel that AS individuals always have to conform to the norms of social rules of conduct, but at the same time, it’s not useful to any of us to carry our anger too far.”

I’d like to fit in, but I also don’t want to be a clone.  I think that sometimes a contrarian or a degree of eccentricity makes life interesting!  But it shouldn’t be taken too far, I guess, to the point that it’s utterly disruptive.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 26

In my latest reading of The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, Sean Barron tells a story about when he walked into the recording studio where his parents worked and made a social mistake.  Sean was in a bad mood because he did poorly on a test earlier that day, and so he breezed past one of his parents’ co-workers, Marcia (with whom he was acquainted), without saying hello.  Sean’s mom corrected him on that, and Sean sank deeper into his morose mood.  When he went out to dinner with his parents that night, he wanted them to ask him what was wrong and to try to comfort him.  But whenever they did ask him what was wrong, he was unresponsive.  From this experience, Sean learned the “Three strikes and you’re out” principle:

“Most people will give you the benefit of the doubt a few times, and after that, if you don’t take responsibility for either changing your behavior or repairing the situation, they lose interest in further social interaction with you.” (Page 347)

I could identify with Sean’s story.  For one, it teaches me that it’s important to be polite even when I’m in a bad mood.  Granted, it may be difficult for some to be cheerful and to make small-talk when they feel badly, but saying “hello” doesn’t have to take much effort. At the same time, Sean then had to go out with his parents when he was in a bad mood, and that would be difficult.  Perhaps honest communication would have defused the situation (as hard as that may be), or he could have pretended to be happy just to get through the dinner.

Second, I can understand why Sean felt bad after he was corrected.  Perhaps he wanted for his mom to treat him as an adult rather than a little kid, or he was embarrassed.  Moreover, Sean said earlier in the book that he confused making mistakes with being a mistake, and he probably felt as a result of his mom’s correction that he was a mistake.

Third, I learn not to put heavy expectations on the world around me.  I’ve often expected the world to be unconditionally loving and accepting of me, when it is not.  I shouldn’t assume that the entire world is against me, since, as Temple says, that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  But I shouldn’t expect for everyone in the world to be unconditionally accepting, either.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 25: Humor

In my latest reading of The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, Sean Barron talks about how humor is a good social skill and can attract people to you.

I agree that this is often the case.  But I think that humor can be mis-used by people with Asperger’s as they attempt to fit in.  For example, Temple Grandin has talked about people with Asperger’s being fired from jobs for making fun of a person’s weight.  My hunch is that those people with Asperger’s were trying to fit in by being funny, with disastrous results.

I know that Sean doesn’t have this sort of thing in mind when he is referring to humor.  He explicitly says that we should not use humor to deliberately hurt someone else.  But, in my opinion, society pressures people to talk and to be funny in order to be accepted, and that can lead to inappropriate remarks.  Moreover, I find that I’m funniest when I’m not pressured with some rule saying “Thou shalt be funny or you won’t fit in, and people won’t like you, and you won’t make friends, have a significant other, or get or keep a job” (and I want to make clear that Sean and Temple don’t use those words).  Traversing through society’s social expectations is like going through a mine-field.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 24

For my write-up today on The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, I’ll use as my starting-point something that Sean Barron says on page 328:

“For years, I reacted to uncomfortable situations with silence.  During the same time, I clung to the mistaken notion that silence was just that—-a void, empty of meaning.  Regardless of how hard I tried to remove myself from that uncomfortable situation by retreating into myself, I always gave off something negative that those in my presence felt and picked up on every time.  In itself, this is another unwritten rule of social interaction: being silent is a form of communication all its own.  There are appropriate and inappropriate times and places for being silent.  Inappropriate silence speaks volumes and the old adage, ‘silence is golden’ doesn’t always apply.”

This is where I struggle.  I’m told that I shouldn’t be so quiet because people interpret me as cold or ignore me.  But then I talk a lot and, because I don’t know what to say, I end up saying things that are awkward or inappropriate.  Nowadays, I don’t speak unless I feel a need to do so.  But I’m around my family, and, overall, they accept me anyway.  Whether my current approach would work with strangers, I do not know.

Temple and Sean offer ideas on how to initiate small talk: compliment someone, for instance.  According to Temple, one shouldn’t be hurt if another person doesn’t want to continue a conversation.  That makes sense to me.  I don’t have to expect everyone to find me dazzling, but there might be some people who would be interested in talking with me.

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 23

In my latest reading of The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, the topic was good grooming.  I think I dress appropriately in public, overall.  My problem in the past, though, was that I had to walk uphill to school every day, with the result that I was often sweaty when I arrived.  What I should have done (and did do, often) was wash up in the restroom before I presented myself to the general public.  But what do you do when your clothes are sweaty?  Take a change of shirt?  I suppose.  But my backpack was heavy enough as it was!

The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships 22: Tell Me More

For my write-up today on The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, I’ll use as my starting-point something that Sean Barron says on page 300:

“Using lead-ins.  By this I mean good conversation openers and phrases that encourage the interaction to continue.  These are things like, ‘That’s interesting.  Tell me more.’  They also include paraphrasing (without repeating verbatim) what the person told you.  For example, someone tells you that she feels sad because her mother died or that she is overjoyed at getting an A on her test.  You could respond with something like, ‘I’m sorry about your mother.  I can tell you’re feeling very sad.  Tell me about her,’ or ‘That’s great.  I see how happy you are about your grade.’”

I think that there’s something to that.  In the past, I’ve had my doubts about whether saying “Tell me more” is a good social mechanism.  I’ve envisioned myself responding if someone said “Tell me more” to me with, “Well, I’m not entirely sure what to say or what you’re looking for…”  I’ve feared that people would tell me that if I asked them to tell me more.  Plus, I remember one guy telling me about his job, and then he closed the conversation with “That’s all I have to say about that.”  So I wondered if I was right even to ask him about his job at the outset!  Perhaps I should have asked specific questions, but ones that were open-ended.  I don’t know.

On the other hand, in a world that does not listen to me much anyway, I have felt refreshed when someone says, “So, tell me more about” such-and-such.  And, when someone paraphrases what I say, that tells me that the person is listening.  So perhaps there’s something to Sean’s advice.